deconstruction

For about two years in a row, whenever I got my Tarot cards read, I would always get the Tower card.

I thought it was an accursed card.

Diane tried to convince me that all cards in Tarot bring both light and darkness; one card isn’t worse than the other. But what was I supposed to think when the card depicts a lightning bolt setting a tower aflame, knocking two people to the earth?

Destructive and creative. That is the Tower card.

It was shocking … to let go of beliefs, attitudes, practices. To look at yourself and identify qualities that you have nurtured – even have been proud of – are the qualities that cause yourself the most damage.

That’s why deconstruction is so painful. And liberating.

The key is to ensure the new tower isn’t built on the same falsehoods that caused the collapse in the first place. I do really well for a while – choosing stones that reflect my values. Using mortar that helps me create the kind of life I want for myself and those I love.

But, sometimes the fears seep in and I compromise. I find myself using old-fashioned tools and materials, convinced that the old wives’ tales about fulfillment and security are true … instead of having faith in my own architecture and creativity.

So, once in a while I have to take a sledgehammer to my own work.

It’s not so bad. You get used to it. Realizing you make mistakes and have to do some renovations.

All change happens because it's needed.

Measure by What

Luckily, I share an office with a woman who is incredibly centered about what work really means. She shared a quote that brings insights to my own considerations about where I seek to go next in my career ...

“God doesn’t call us to be successful; God calls us to be faithful.”
Mother Theresa

Where there be dragons ...

I babysat my two nieces (6 and 4 years old) and my nephew last night (17 mos.).

Getting desperate to keep them entertained before we hit bedtime, I proposed an old favorite game of theirs that I had invented about a year ago.

"Sleeping Dragon" I called it.

To be honest, the game allowed me a bit of a rest during their incessant energy bursts so it seemed the best of both worlds. I played a sleeping dragon and they were the villagers that tried to come and take my treasure hidden beneath my pillows. We changed the game here and there over the months (I realized I wasn't exactly modeling good morals, as I was encouraging them to steal and then lie about it when the dragon came prowling about later) ... but they still enjoyed the game, even with the modifications.

Well, amazing what kids learn in a year. This time, the game took an unexpected turn and my six year old niece was going to be a scientist. She informed me that my treasure was covered in poison due to all of the bad chemicals in the air and she was going to analyze it and fix the problem. She had a pretend laptop, microscope and protective gloves to take care of it all. The four year old also had a lab, though she still took care of her baby in it. At the end of it all, she solved both the poison problem and gave me a special nail polish that would help a dragon (me) with restful sleep.

I felt even more bewildered when they presented me with a baby dragon, and then asked if they could take the baby back to their laboratory for tests.

'What kind of tests?' I asked in horror, wondering what TV shows these days portrayed.

'Oh, just a picture,' they replied. 'With our computer. She’ll be fine.'

… and to think in my day, it was considered entertaining to just fight dragons ...

Doing the Zen-Plow

I went cross-country skiing Friday afternoon. (There is one benefit to working overtime in non-profits. If you know how to prioritize balance, you can take advantage of sunny afternoons when nothing urgent is pressing).

Tried out my new skis for the second time ... unexpectedly asked to conquer hills.

I never skiied as a child or youth. In fact, I never engaged in serious physical activity until I was maybe 27. I liked cross-country skiing, but the last time I tried to go down hills, I consistently fell every three meters or swerved into the trees.

I got expert help this time around -- but I realized the trick was to "be in the moment."

Yes, yes, I know I say it all the time ... but holy batman, it really works for skiing. Don't look down. Don't see how much further you have to go. Don't wonder if you're gonna pick up speed or if you're gonna like it.

Just focus on the present, so that if you swerve -- you correct now -- this very second -- when it's happening -- instead of panicking much too late, after you're already flying into the trees.

It works, this zen stuff. I suppose that's why it works for life too.

Make It So, Number One

"I must create a system or be enslaved by another man's; I will not reason and compare: my business is to create."
William Blake

Hmmmm.... my annual horoscope said that these words should guide my activities this year.
I like it.

Emotional Residue

Do you think emotions leave their imprints on things - similar to how our hands leave fingerprints?

My friend, Eddie, prompted me to do our annual "year in review" over coffee last week. A couple of days later I thought it would be interesting to see what the year had been like as documented in my journal. Well, to my surprise, I had gone through three journals this year. Good lord - a productive year.

As I looked at my bookshelf of journals, it was strange. I could look at a journal, see its rust cover embossed with gold engravings and say - "oh, that was a year full of lots of heartbreak." Ask me who might have contributed to that or why it was so hard, and I wouldn't be able to tell you. I just know that while I held that journal I shed a lot of tears. I actually had to go into the journal and read to see why that year was a tough one.

Another journal, light green borders with a daisy in the middle, - yes, that was a good year. My career path opened up considerably that year. I saw a lot of progress in my professional goals ... again, have no idea what year it was or why - but that was a good year.

Funny how that works. Things we feel so acutely now might be nothing but a shadow tomorrow ...

Give It Away

Holidays were incredibly restful this year. I turned off the phone, didn't check my email. All good.

Last Sunday, I helped organize a New Year's party for the newest community of refugees in our city. Karen refugees from the Thai-Burmese border. Some of them have been in refugee camps for over ten years. They are an incredibly resilient group of people, and I have enjoyed my interactions with them over the past couple of months.

The children are well-behaved - artistic - quick learners. The people have readily identified what they need as a community to move forward. I wish I had more time to work with them directly and could spend less time on writing proposals.

One of my staff members organized a Christmas present drive for the community (there are over 150 Karen people in the city now). She left for sabattical in November and asked me to take on the remaining five families and nine singles. I sent an email out to - um maybe six? - of my friends asking them for "lightly used or new stuff" that they don't use in their homes that I could make into packages.

I was overwhelmed with the amount of things that ended up in my possession. Of course, my friends emailed other friends, and voila - more than enough gifts for everyone. Nice things too. People are so generous.

I was shocked with the amount of things I pilfered from my own little two-bedroom condo. Why do I hold on to these things? What do they mean to me?

As I start the new year, I ask myself the same question .... what else am I holding onto - spiritually, philosophically, emotionally that maybe it's time to let go of? Goals that no longer apply, aspirations that aren't really mine, visions of myself of whom I should be that aren't really relevant?

Maybe instead of starting the new year with more things - like resolutions - we should start it off by giving up something. What would you like to give away?

Resolutions

The Writers' Guild of Alberta invited their members to sign up on Facebook. That was it. I could no longer avoid Facebook. Despite my rantings and ravings to friends about how it leads to superficial relationships - peeking into people's lives to find out if person A has X items or Y interests .... I realized that it was true. Facebook was turning into a social network. An accepted way of communication among both personal and professional realms.

My New Year's Resolution was to sign up next week. I started the process - typed in the URL - and couldn't go through with it. Literally, I was there and about to type in my email address and clicked on the big X in the right hand corner instead.

An alternate solution, I decided to jump on the blog bandwagon. I figure if I'm going to stay in touch with people via the electronic media, I might as well make it as human as possible. Expose you to all of life's ups and downs - my hopes and my fears (paranoias?) - all of my wishes and reflections. You might as well know the semblance of who I want to be or how I delude myself into thinking who I am ... no categories, no checkboxes, just a stream of consciousness.

Welcome and Merry Xmas :)