Fear

"Unless you're living on the edge, you're taking up too much space."

My friend's husband said that. Maybe he heard it somewhere else, I'm not sure. But I think there's wisdom in it, no matter who said it.

Somehow, our society has conjured up a strange idea of what makes for a "good life".

We wish each other joy, laughter, and peace.

Rarely, do we get a card from a loved one that says, "Happy Birthday, may this year bring you a good dose of nausea and that empty pit feeling in your stomach."

Fear.

Nothing's wrong with fear, though it has a bad reputation. It's often touted in pop psychology (right out of my own mouth even!) as the all-encompassing evil doer. Never do things from a place of fear, we're told. Fear - it's why people don't take risks. It's what makes people stay in bad jobs and bad marriages. It's like communism in the 1950s and terrorism in the 21st century. It's the cause of everything that's bad.

But I don't believe that. Instead, perhaps we should say search for our fears and hold them close. Use them as our own personal divining rod to help us uncover those things we really want, the steps we really should take, the questions we really should be asking.

And then once we've found them, we step into those fears fully. Letting that unpredictable sense of chaos rush over you. When we were younger, it was easier to access that. When we played tag or hide and go seek, we were scared. Our heart beat in our throats and it was hard to breathe. The risks were real. And when you walk through the fear, it's liberating. Whether it's going on a roller-coaster ride or quitting a stable, full-time job (both ex-fears of mine, by the way).

And, after we've conquered our fears, does it mean we are fearless? Just because I've had a tooth removed, does it mean that I now view root canals with anticipation? Because I've had the courage to send one piece to a magazine and have it published, does it mean I know I will always be published?

Of course not.

But fear reminds us of that we can't predict and control life. And, that's a good thing. For that's what life is about. There's things to be discovered that we can never imagine. And, I think I would take fear over inevitability any day.

So, every year I try to do one thing that scares me. Sometimes, a little bit, sometimes a lot.

This year has been a scary year. I started my own business. I hired an accountant to do my taxes. I had a book launch. I bet two hundred dollars that I would lose weight. Risky year, even without the financial crisis. So, I think I'm going to take it easy over the summer.

Whitewater rafting. That's what I have planned for the summer. Just a tiny fear to carry me into the fall.